Might as well let the cat out of the bag since it eventually will sneak out anyway. I’m sitting here working on my coord application and I can’t seem to grasp my feelings. I literally just poured my heart into this application reminiscing what this program has given me. The rawness of my words. Raw in the sense that every word and every point I’m trying to make is pure Me. Whether or not I even get an interview, it’s nice to just take a step back and look at how far I’ve made it. I feel like sometimes we all just get lost into our habits that we forget how to be uniquely human. The things that make me happy in life will be there because every direction I take I will find things that will make me happy.  I was always hesitant to tell people that I wanted to apply for this position because I was scared of what they would think when/if I don’t get it. But honestly….who the fuuuuuuck cares. Why should I be ashamed of anything that I give 110 percent to? I’m excited for the future, regardless of who and what might shape it.

p.s. I am making a genuinely conscious effort to stop cussing. 

A couple weeks ago I spent a week in Chicago and Michigan. First time back since I was born. I was expecting a culture shock, but instead I experienced familiarity. Everything around me was so similar to Cali. Kinda pissed me off. Everywhere I looked I saw a mcdonalds, subway, wal-mart, hotels, gas stations, restaurants…etc. These huge companies are taking over. And small businesses don’t stand a chance. We preach individuality here but everything and everyone is so similar. We are all fucking drones. Fucking. Drones. I want to experience many people’s passion; not the work of a few pioneers.

But anyway, I also stopped by my house and neighborhood in which I was conceived in. Holy shit. Let me tell ya, I have a complete new respect for my parents and what they went through. The neighborhood had graffiti and broken/boarded up windows. We went back to the elementary school my sister went to and there was a used condom on the bench. Cracked sidewalks, yellow grass, weeds as tall as me, and people that just looked at us as if they have never seen an Asian. My parents didn’t know a sentence of English, yet they survived and thrived in an environment that seemed impossible to grow in. This would have been my alternate reality if they did not strive for something more. Complacency gets you nowhere. Complacency = content = comfortability. There’s always something more out there. Just because you don’t know what that “more” is doesn’t mean you can’t go out and find it.

Been a while since I’ve written anything. It makes me sad that I haven’t documented any of my adventures. Because this has probably been one of my most intriguing summers filled with the most personal growth I’ve been through. 

I promised my beautiful friend that I would tell her all about my Camp Kindle experience. So, Melyssa Griffin…this post is specifically for you. But I’m posting it on tumblr so everyone else can see too.

OKAY! So I came into Kindle with low expectations. I heard from some friends (Kenny Azama) that it was the most amazing week of their lives. I also heard from other friends that those friends may have hyped up the week (Jane Phan). So I didn’t really know what to expect. But I know that when I want to do something, it needs to be genuine if I want it to be the best experience that it could possibly be. And for some reason I felt like I applied for Kindle for the wrong reasons. I applied because I only heard good things about it. I applied because some legit-ass people applied with me. So throughout the process, I kept asking myself if I would have applied if I didn’t know anyone in the program. And it makes me sad to say that I probably wouldn’t have. Camp Kindle caters to kids infected and/or affected by HIV/AIDS. These kids go through more trials and tribulations than some people will in their lifetime. And I am so glad I got a chance to see that, despite being disappointed in myself for initially not being genuinely committed to the cause. 

But I stand here today on the opposite side of the globe from you, with absolutely no regrets that I did it. The stories that I heard. The people that I met. The laughing. The crying. Everything was just so…surreal. Kindle literally took us away from society. No internet. No cell phones. And stories/people that I wouldn’t have met in regular, boring ol’ civilization. But that’s what made it so awesome. It’s not every day that I get to meet a kid that is just so fucking beautiful. Remember that quote we used to like? I forgot what it was, so I’m gonna look it up right now. 

Okay, found it! “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” Elizabeth Kubler Ros.

I feel like those 9 days were filled with beautiful people. Every night we would have these things called “devotionals.” The counselors would ask the cabin a question, and we’d chop it up and compare answers. My cabin went down the hill and watched the stars for hours while just talking about each other’s “most embarrassing moments” or “who our heroes are” or “our most proud moment.” And it was crazy to hear some of the answers. I’ll definitely get into specific stories a little bit more when we get a chance to talk.

So I met these three girls at Kindle. They were all sisters and I got to know them pretty well for the little time I had with them. Yesterday after coming home from LA day with spop, I checked my facebook and got a message from a random person. The person said that she was the mom of the three sisters, and that the younger two were fighting over as to who was my favorite. hahaha That just made me smile.

But yes, everything that I experienced during those 9 days seemed to have come at a perfect time in my life. I can’t vouch that Kindle will be as “life-changing” and emotional for everyone as it was for me, but I feel like this experience just fit so perfectly in this part of my life. It’s kinda hard to explain. Maybe I just enjoyed waking up to a bomb-ass breakfast and a hug. Anyway, I hope Japan is treating you well. Keep taking pictures and keeping us all posted! I want pictures of your classroom and your students specifically though. Creeper status.

What a weekend. It’s so fitting that we are Mint Year because that was the most refreshing thing I’ve felt in a long time. When 130 people can develop a deeper sense of friendship and belonging in a program that fosters individuality…it’s a beautiful thing.  Our relationships will go deeper and deeper as this summer goes on…WE HAVE TO GO DEEPER. So I am officially coining the term MINTCEPTION.

hahahahhahahhahahhahahaahahhahahahahhahahahahha

I kinda dreaded the fact that this day was coming. All the commercials, status updates, pictures, etc…naturally it was gonna have this affect on me. But then I started to remember (coincidentally listening to Deadmau5 and Kaskade- I remember). It hurts so good.

A year ago this day, me and pops spent it in the hospital. Every other year was spent at home with a small family bbq and giving him gift cards from Starbucks and subway. That’s how I showed my appreciation. Instead of dreading this holiday, I might as well embrace it with the bomb-ass memories I do have.

For example, just to put into perspective what kind of man my Dad was; he and my brother went to Vietnam for a vacation. They went out to lunch and he saw a young girl around the age of 10 selling lottery tickets by herself. He knew she was selling them to help out with her family because that’s what he did when he was younger for his family in Vietnam (but with ice cream; the background of which he constantly reminded me of so that I could appreciate my current living situation). So he called the girl over and asked her how much it was. He told the little girl that he would buy all of the tickets, but on one condition: only if she spent the rest of the day having fun with her friends instead of working. So he bought them all so that the kid could have a day to enjoy her childhood.

Compassion. Being able to understand and sympathize someone else’s misfortunes and alleviate it as best as you can. One of the many lessons I’ve taken from my one and only Dad.

Happy Father’s Day, pops. I hope they have all the subway and Starbucks you can consume wherever you are. I continue to love and miss you.

Today marks the revival of my meat-eating days. Besides the immediate stomach ache after taking a bite of a burger, I would have to say it was downright awesome.

A hundred days ago I didn’t think I could be a vegetarian. The thought of vegetables and rice and noodles and tofu and all that is bland in the world really scared me.  But I had something to do it for. And in comparison, that motivating factor was much more important to me than eating meat. When you have something that pushes you and challenges your mentality, the physical world becomes easy.

MIND OVER MATTER. When your mind takes over matter, the matter doesn’t really matter anymore.

WTF is up with today?! I love it.

1. I see a homeless man feeding birds. That made me happy because he looke like he was starving but he just enjoyed having birds around him and shit. Just such a genuine scene of content.
2. A guy at geek squad helped diagnose my computer for 45 minutes and told me what was wrong with it even though my computer wasn’t from best buy. FREE OF CHARGE.
3. The lady at a fast food place spotted me 71 cents. 71 cents!! That’s a huge chunk of the entire thing. Just because she didt want me to spend an extra 50 cents from using my credit card.

Oh you kind souls. Thank you.

Can’t wait for the summer. Besides SPOP, Camp Kindle, and Chi-city, I am excited for the lonely days where I can just sit down and create. Draw so i can just let my hands go free instead of writing essays and all that bull shit. Write creatively because there is seriously no other feeling that can compare to that. Read a legitimate book so i can widen my perspective by reading about someone else’s. Maybe buy a cajon and make some music so that I can literally march to the beat of my own drum. Maybe invest in a longboard so i can just cruise the streets and feel the breeze go through my shorts and under my arms (cause we all know those are the sweet spots when you’re sweaty). And OF COURSE play basketball and feel that freedom of just knowing how bad you suck, but how all the stress in the world is gone when you just cuddle that ball down the court with 9 other strangers.

The dull moments when I’m alone are the moments that inspire me. The fun moments will be there because I know my homies will drag me down with their non-sense. 

Here’s to alone time! Getting time to talk to yourself, since talking to other people can be a bit too predictable sometimes.

Been thinking about my perspective lately on this whole SPOP thing. I can’t ask for anything more than what I’m getting out of this year’s experience so far, yet I feel like something is missing. So I took the time to try to understand the situation and compared 19 year-old Thanh to 21 year-old THANH. And the only differences are that I now have a shaved head and a lack of passion on specific areas that I once thought was important. Being away from the program for a whole year really proved to me that I applied again for the right reasons this year. What are those reasons? Well, there’s actually just one umbrella reason that justifies pretty much everything I do. I’ve been influenced by inspirational people ever since the first time I stepped foot into UCI, and I feel that it’s my job to encompass what I’ve learned from them, to people I come into contact with. I’ve been IMPACTED by these people, and (according to Eistein) it is my duty to impact everyone else that I come into contact with.  Basic laws of physics, people. This is my DESTINY. This is my path. This is what I have to do. The vision will never be sacrificed so long as I don’t sacrifice it. From this day on, I am going to put more effort into changing things that I want changed. becaaaaaaaaause, this is getting out of hand. It’s week 8 and I have yet to connect or even have a decent conversation with a handful of people on staff. SO LET’S DO THIS, YEAH? If you’re on staff and you read this, please reassess the reasons why you applied for this position in the first place. It has reignited that spark that has seem to be lost within me. Stay positive, stay open-minded, and let the chips fall where ever the fuck they want to land.